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> Moero Midnight episode 1 ( part 1 ), A racer with god like talents
Kirino-kun
Posted: May 4 2013, 07:20 AM
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The Intro
Little do you know that this isnt an ordinary world , this is a new world where its only dominated by females and i mean attractives , only about 15 percent of nice looking male where found but rare , this world is created by one teenage boy who wants to world that he dreamt in a good way

The Characters
Don Lee - age 20 , drives a red Nissan Skyline R33 GTR V-spec , married to Miyamoto Musashi who works as a tuner mechanic and season racer .
Kirino Takamachi - age 14 , drives a purple Nissan Fairlady 300ZX Twin Turbo ( Z32 ) , interested in harem of girls who were a bit older than him , the most fearsome driver of this time .
Armando Vasquez - age 24 , drives a orange Lotus Elise look alike machine with a V10 engine from the outgoin Audi R8
Suzuka Aizawa - age 15 , daughter of Keichii Aizawa who was the former owner of the Toyota Supra RZ known as the Monster Machine of C1 . Now she's the new owner in the new inprove Supra .

Erza Scarlet - one of the fastest female racer of all time , willing to take any challenge whatever threw at her , drives a rally red Dodge Viper SRT10 ACR , nicknamed Scarlet of C1

Many racers think theres no special talents in motorsports but some dont becuz they're not very sure until they see it with their own eyes . *At around 11 pm , bunch of street racers in their souped up cars cruising the Wangan area together* "hmm ? whos that following us ? its not from our team though but who ?" said one of the racers in her AE110 . *a car coming in high speed with Xenon headlights getting closer to the last car* "so fast !!" said the racer *the unknown car passes the AE110* "R-R33 GTR ?!" said the racer in shocked .
*a blue Nissan Skyline GTR Vspec known as the R33 drove pass the group in a clean slalom* "you wont pass me !" said the lead driver in her Supra . *the R33 passes the Supra instantly and leaves it in the dust* *she couldnt believe her eyes so does her team* . "Its him , i know it cuz he's the only male racer" said one of the racers .

*2 yrs ago at the wangan parking lot where street racers or petrolheads gathered there*
"so you want to be the best of the best huh bro" said Don ( an ex N1 driver and a legend at Yokohane )
"yes , becuz i want to be part of you master " said Kirino ( new born racer with god like talents ) *Don agreed to teach Kirino how to be a real racing driver for the Shutoko highway* *suddenly a strange looking car with large wing plus glowing blue neon and blue tyres , the driver inside this car got out* "well well well , if it aint the Yokohane "legend" and this lil punk in his Z32" said the driver from the glowing machine . Armando Vasquez , a racer from Mexico , he may be a local racer back in his hometown but he was involved in drug trafficking but police dont seem to have any evidence of him so he was free . "What the hell do you want bro , you here to race or here to glow" said Don in upset reaction . "chill bro , i just want to have a race with you and trust me im not as weak as before" said Armando with confident . "both drivers agreed to race , they will start from Minaito then to wangan as a finish line at the entrance of Yokohane" *as the GTR and the orange "Elise" leaves the parking lot , they started racing at the exit*

"I got a bad feeling about this dear , we should follow them" said worried Erza
"Dont worry , im sure he cant handle this ." said confident Kirino
*Meanwhile at Minaito area , the R seems to lead the Elise look alike very well , as expected from a GTR* "not bad holmes , not bad...." said Armando following . *the GTR is exiting to Wangan right now but Armando can keep up with Don at the turns* "yeah , you seem to improved but thats as far as you go cuz you dont stand a chance here with me anymore ! "said determined Don *Don puts his foot down at Wangan , reaching speed up to 360kmh while Armando is doin nearly the same*
"ahh...*drops his can of cola*" said Kirino as he sense something bad
"something wrong dear ? " said Erza
"we gotta go now , cmon " said Kirino
*Erza then follows Kirino into his Z31 and leaves the lot in a hurry* "darn it ! why cant i shake him off ?! " said Don is panic
"its over for you holmes , i win "said Armando
"im not gonna make it ..... shiiiiiit ! screamed Don *the GTR crashes into a wall while trying to enter the Yokohane fly over , it got sent flying to the other side*

*Kirino droves as fast as he could as he arrived at the crash site about 10 mins*
"wat the...ohh no" said Kirino in shock . "omg....theres parts all over the place" said Erza in shock too .
*Kirino and Erza got out from the Z31 and see what was happening and found out it was Don's GTR being torn apart* "Don.....Don !!!!!" cried Kirino *Erza cried when Kirino rushes to see Don but only found out he was dead on the driver's seat with his head on the steering*
*Don died that night and Kirino swear he will get revenge on Armando*
*2 years

This post has been edited by Kirino-kun on May 5 2013, 01:47 AM
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Rotary Tuner
Posted: May 4 2013, 08:04 AM
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I'm going to be frank with you.

Your grammar is horrible.

Sentence construction is below mediocre, some even left as fragments.

Some of your characters are outright unbelievable. Erza Scarlet? It makes no sense at all. And two of your characters are well below legal age to even drive! Now, before you quote Takumi Fujiwara's case, his was a different one, they were in the mountains, where police presence is barely noticeable, but this... this is THE Wangan, a NATIONAL HIGHWAY of Japan, for Chrissakes.

And your pacing is too damn fast, I don't even know if Don Lee should be a major character since you killed him off outright in the first chapter.

Also, I have no idea what drives Kirino to avenge Don, since there was no evidence that his vehicle was sabotaged by Armando (but who knows, it might come up in the next chapter), and by that conjecture, it was Don's fault, and his alone, for going too fast and crashing on Yokohane. Well, Armando might be a drug cartel, but it's unfounded revenge you're looking at right here.

/just my two centavos
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Wraith-chan57
Posted: May 4 2013, 08:07 AM
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huh.gif huh.gif huh.gif

This fic needs lots of understanding as I nearly did not get any point of this. Guess you better by watching lots of nice fic (see some on this forum).

No offense, I believe you can do better happy.gif
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Akiko
Posted: May 4 2013, 08:22 AM
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...

I...have no idea what I just read...this...this is just...

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RB33
Posted: May 4 2013, 03:38 PM
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@kirino
hate to break it to you but... Your story is barely understandable... Its like a salad mixed with almost all the wrong ingredients...

And by any chance, did you also say in another forum/site that you wish that there's a cheat to make SSS cars in MT4 instead of hacking them?... Its too much of a coincidence that people were talking bwt what a certain kirino said in another forum and that kirino suddenly show up here at wme...

This post has been edited by RB33 on May 4 2013, 03:40 PM
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Rotary Tuner
Posted: May 4 2013, 03:53 PM
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QUOTE (RB33 @ 15 minutes, 26 seconds ago)
And by any chance, did you also say in another forum/site that you wish that there's a cheat to make SSS cars in MT4 instead of hacking them?... Its too much of a coincidence that people were talking bwt what a certain kirino said in another forum and that kirino suddenly show up here at wme...

Yes... it's him.
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yuritakagi
Posted: May 4 2013, 03:58 PM
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I hate to say this but, the story highly needs a reconstruction.
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RB33
Posted: May 4 2013, 04:02 PM
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QUOTE (Rotary Tuner @ 8 minutes, 49 seconds ago)
Yes... it's him.

Figures...
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PMCD
Posted: May 4 2013, 04:10 PM
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QUOTE (RB33 @ 32 minutes, 16 seconds ago)
@kirino
hate to break it to you but... Your story is barely understandable... Its like a salad mixed with almost all the wrong ingredients...

And by any chance, did you also say in another forum/site that you wish that there's a cheat to make SSS cars in MT4 instead of hacking them?... Its too much of a coincidence that people were talking bwt what a certain kirino said in another forum and that kirino suddenly show up here at wme...

user posted image

This.
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テルミ
Posted: May 4 2013, 04:55 PM
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I think it's safe to assume that this story is written by a kid. No way a teenager can write this bad even if they try, clearly this kid is illiterate and just doesn't seem to show much care in what people think since in his head, only he will enjoy this and he would stick to it till he dies. laugh2.gif

Also, what's the difference between a cheat and a hack anyway? I think that alone kinda gives away that Kirino is indeed just a child. tongue.gif

Anyway, Kirino, work more on your story instead of embarrassing yourself here. Seriously. laugh2.giflaugh2.gif
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Jammy
Posted: May 4 2013, 05:43 PM
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Wow, I didn't even get past the first paragraph there. To paraphrase Rotary Tuner, "The grammar and sentence construction is so terrible, it hurts.


This has left some with a terrible first (to some) impression of you.

Anyway, there's plenty of room to improve.

This post has been edited by Jammy on May 4 2013, 05:43 PM
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TouyaShiro
Posted: May 4 2013, 11:04 PM
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QUOTE (Jammy @ 5 hours, 20 minutes ago)
Wow, I didn't even get past the first paragraph there. To paraphrase Rotary Tuner, "The grammar and sentence construction is so terrible, it hurts.


This has left some with a terrible first (to some) impression of you.

Anyway, there's plenty of room to improve.

I couldn't get past the intro without cringing inside. Of course, the whole use of English is terrible here, but never mind that (simply because everyone else already said it) - Even when I tried to make sense of the story, it's just irrational.

I'll agree with the sentiments above - the story's way too fast paced. The chapter's not even that long so we don't have that much of a ground to work on!

No offense, but if there's anything you should take from this, Kirino, it's this: writing about your own fantasies where you're a godlike character is bound to put you in the category of "egotistical".
In my opinion, analogues of yourself should be much more tuned to the universe you placed it in, and said universe needs to be something that, while under certain limits, is likeable, relatable or otherwise interesting in order for readers to truly get an understanding of it. Otherwise, the immersion doesn't work that well.

I don't know how many of you are into stories like this, but I think I'll pass.

SPOILER


This post has been edited by TouyaShiro on May 4 2013, 11:09 PM
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Antares
Posted: May 4 2013, 11:55 PM
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This just made Mizuki no Densetsu look a bit good.
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Jammy
Posted: May 5 2013, 12:01 AM
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QUOTE (Antares @ 5 minutes, 47 seconds ago)
This just made Mizuki no Densetsu look a bit good.

And that's saying something...
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Antares
Posted: May 5 2013, 12:04 AM
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QUOTE (Jammy @ 2 minutes, 55 seconds ago)
And that's saying something...

Nah, this just reminded me of it, the feel and reception are pretty similar, only difference is that Mizuki no Densetsu is a graphic novel.

This post has been edited by Antares on May 5 2013, 12:04 AM
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TouyaShiro
Posted: May 5 2013, 12:46 AM
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QUOTE (Antares @ 42 minutes, 17 seconds ago)
Nah, this just reminded me of it, the feel and reception are pretty similar, only difference is that Mizuki no Densetsu is a graphic novel.

You know what this reminds me of?
A certain game which I will not mention, due to the fact that if I did, I would most likely be banned from this forum for mentioning it. Best you try not to figure it out, but I will mention that both involved cars in some way.
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Antares
Posted: May 5 2013, 12:50 AM
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QUOTE (TouyaShiro @ 3 minutes, 43 seconds ago)
You know what this reminds me of?
A certain game which I will not mention, due to the fact that if I did, I would most likely be banned from this forum for mentioning it. Best you try not to figure it out, but I will mention that both involved cars in some way.

By that, I'll say that game is bad.
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Jammy
Posted: May 5 2013, 01:41 AM
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QUOTE (Antares @ 51 minutes, 6 seconds ago)
By that, I'll say that game is bad.

this one? laugh.gif
SPOILER
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Kenzz
Posted: May 5 2013, 01:43 AM
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18 wheels of thunder? That's allota wheels.
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TouyaShiro
Posted: May 5 2013, 06:27 AM
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XD Man, you guys know what to reply with.

I know SOME of you know exactly what I'm talking about...
(...I'm looking at you, Rin. You're the one who reminded me of the game's existence.)

Hm...Now that I think about it, I don't know what the fate of this topic will become after all this...
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Normalaatsra
Posted: May 5 2013, 04:48 PM
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Oh dear, an embarrassment is enough, but on the Internet is a huge issue.

Ms. Kirino, make sure to take the critique's advice carefully. You can also look at other fanwork posted on this sub-forum.
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RB33
Posted: May 5 2013, 07:29 PM
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QUOTE (Normalaatsra @ 2 hours, 41 minutes ago)
Oh dear, an embarrassment is enough, but on the Internet is a huge issue.

Ms. Kirino, make sure to take the critique's advice carefully. You can also look at other fanwork posted on this sub-forum.

I doubt if kirino would bother to do that..
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vash944
Posted: May 5 2013, 07:50 PM
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much as I hate to say this to the author...

grammar is really off on this one,as this may sound myself as a grammar nazi or something and that made my brain lose a very tiny portion of intelligence on that one so Rotary Tuner does one headshot critique rolleyes.gif

and yeah at least the author of Fairy Tail might sue you for using the same name of Erza Scarlet... if the guy was from Gundam (Y.Tomino) wasn't happy on the desecration of his creation in china "incident" and maybe the author of Fairy Tail would feel the same way as Tomino (LOWDOWN: you did mash some names in your character lists from anime on your work but you forgot on that one =/ )

after a few words on the intro made me gave up instantly, heck even other person's work were more palatable (ok... even wall of texts but still readable) as this one

This post has been edited by vash944 on May 5 2013, 07:55 PM
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Antares
Posted: May 5 2013, 08:15 PM
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QUOTE (RB33 @ 45 minutes, 53 seconds ago)
I doubt if kirino would bother to do that..

I bet Kirino's still busy looking for a cheat to SSS. nuts.gif

This post has been edited by Antares on May 5 2013, 08:16 PM
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RB33
Posted: May 5 2013, 08:21 PM
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QUOTE (Antares @ 5 minutes, 34 seconds ago)
I bet Kirino's still busy looking for a cheat to SSS. nuts.gif

Let him be. we all need free and guilt-free entertainment.
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