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Moero Midnight episode 1 ( part 1 ), A racer with god like talents
Kirino-kun |
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Wanderer
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The Intro Little do you know that this isnt an ordinary world , this is a new world where its only dominated by females and i mean attractives , only about 15 percent of nice looking male where found but rare , this world is created by one teenage boy who wants to world that he dreamt in a good way
The Characters Don Lee - age 20 , drives a red Nissan Skyline R33 GTR V-spec , married to Miyamoto Musashi who works as a tuner mechanic and season racer . Kirino Takamachi - age 14 , drives a purple Nissan Fairlady 300ZX Twin Turbo ( Z32 ) , interested in harem of girls who were a bit older than him , the most fearsome driver of this time . Armando Vasquez - age 24 , drives a orange Lotus Elise look alike machine with a V10 engine from the outgoin Audi R8 Suzuka Aizawa - age 15 , daughter of Keichii Aizawa who was the former owner of the Toyota Supra RZ known as the Monster Machine of C1 . Now she's the new owner in the new inprove Supra . Erza Scarlet - one of the fastest female racer of all time , willing to take any challenge whatever threw at her , drives a rally red Dodge Viper SRT10 ACR , nicknamed Scarlet of C1
Many racers think theres no special talents in motorsports but some dont becuz they're not very sure until they see it with their own eyes . *At around 11 pm , bunch of street racers in their souped up cars cruising the Wangan area together* "hmm ? whos that following us ? its not from our team though but who ?" said one of the racers in her AE110 . *a car coming in high speed with Xenon headlights getting closer to the last car* "so fast !!" said the racer *the unknown car passes the AE110* "R-R33 GTR ?!" said the racer in shocked . *a blue Nissan Skyline GTR Vspec known as the R33 drove pass the group in a clean slalom* "you wont pass me !" said the lead driver in her Supra . *the R33 passes the Supra instantly and leaves it in the dust* *she couldnt believe her eyes so does her team* . "Its him , i know it cuz he's the only male racer" said one of the racers .
*2 yrs ago at the wangan parking lot where street racers or petrolheads gathered there* "so you want to be the best of the best huh bro" said Don ( an ex N1 driver and a legend at Yokohane ) "yes , becuz i want to be part of you master " said Kirino ( new born racer with god like talents ) *Don agreed to teach Kirino how to be a real racing driver for the Shutoko highway* *suddenly a strange looking car with large wing plus glowing blue neon and blue tyres , the driver inside this car got out* "well well well , if it aint the Yokohane "legend" and this lil punk in his Z32" said the driver from the glowing machine . Armando Vasquez , a racer from Mexico , he may be a local racer back in his hometown but he was involved in drug trafficking but police dont seem to have any evidence of him so he was free . "What the hell do you want bro , you here to race or here to glow" said Don in upset reaction . "chill bro , i just want to have a race with you and trust me im not as weak as before" said Armando with confident . "both drivers agreed to race , they will start from Minaito then to wangan as a finish line at the entrance of Yokohane" *as the GTR and the orange "Elise" leaves the parking lot , they started racing at the exit*
"I got a bad feeling about this dear , we should follow them" said worried Erza "Dont worry , im sure he cant handle this ." said confident Kirino *Meanwhile at Minaito area , the R seems to lead the Elise look alike very well , as expected from a GTR* "not bad holmes , not bad...." said Armando following . *the GTR is exiting to Wangan right now but Armando can keep up with Don at the turns* "yeah , you seem to improved but thats as far as you go cuz you dont stand a chance here with me anymore ! "said determined Don *Don puts his foot down at Wangan , reaching speed up to 360kmh while Armando is doin nearly the same* "ahh...*drops his can of cola*" said Kirino as he sense something bad "something wrong dear ? " said Erza "we gotta go now , cmon " said Kirino *Erza then follows Kirino into his Z31 and leaves the lot in a hurry* "darn it ! why cant i shake him off ?! " said Don is panic "its over for you holmes , i win "said Armando "im not gonna make it ..... shiiiiiit ! screamed Don *the GTR crashes into a wall while trying to enter the Yokohane fly over , it got sent flying to the other side*
*Kirino droves as fast as he could as he arrived at the crash site about 10 mins* "wat the...ohh no" said Kirino in shock . "omg....theres parts all over the place" said Erza in shock too . *Kirino and Erza got out from the Z31 and see what was happening and found out it was Don's GTR being torn apart* "Don.....Don !!!!!" cried Kirino *Erza cried when Kirino rushes to see Don but only found out he was dead on the driver's seat with his head on the steering* *Don died that night and Kirino swear he will get revenge on Armando* *2 years
This post has been edited by Kirino-kun on May 5 2013, 01:47 AM
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Rotary Tuner |
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E P I C D A N K M E M E S
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I'm going to be frank with you.
Your grammar is horrible.
Sentence construction is below mediocre, some even left as fragments.
Some of your characters are outright unbelievable. Erza Scarlet? It makes no sense at all. And two of your characters are well below legal age to even drive! Now, before you quote Takumi Fujiwara's case, his was a different one, they were in the mountains, where police presence is barely noticeable, but this... this is THE Wangan, a NATIONAL HIGHWAY of Japan, for Chrissakes.
And your pacing is too damn fast, I don't even know if Don Lee should be a major character since you killed him off outright in the first chapter.
Also, I have no idea what drives Kirino to avenge Don, since there was no evidence that his vehicle was sabotaged by Armando (but who knows, it might come up in the next chapter), and by that conjecture, it was Don's fault, and his alone, for going too fast and crashing on Yokohane. Well, Armando might be a drug cartel, but it's unfounded revenge you're looking at right here.
/just my two centavos
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RB33 |
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Elder Magic Practitioner
Group: FORUM MODERATOR
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Location: Philippines
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@kirino hate to break it to you but... Your story is barely understandable... Its like a salad mixed with almost all the wrong ingredients...
And by any chance, did you also say in another forum/site that you wish that there's a cheat to make SSS cars in MT4 instead of hacking them?... Its too much of a coincidence that people were talking bwt what a certain kirino said in another forum and that kirino suddenly show up here at wme...
This post has been edited by RB33 on May 4 2013, 03:40 PM
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yuritakagi |
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Wanderer
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I hate to say this but, the story highly needs a reconstruction.
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RB33 |
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Elder Magic Practitioner
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Joined: May 9th 2007
Location: Philippines
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QUOTE (Rotary Tuner @ 8 minutes, 49 seconds ago) | Yes... it's him. |
Figures...
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TouyaShiro |
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Legendary Emperor
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Location: In the OMEGA ATTACK
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QUOTE (Jammy @ 5 hours, 20 minutes ago) | Wow, I didn't even get past the first paragraph there. To paraphrase Rotary Tuner, "The grammar and sentence construction is so terrible, it hurts.
This has left some with a terrible first (to some) impression of you.
Anyway, there's plenty of room to improve. |
I couldn't get past the intro without cringing inside. Of course, the whole use of English is terrible here, but never mind that (simply because everyone else already said it) - Even when I tried to make sense of the story, it's just irrational. I'll agree with the sentiments above - the story's way too fast paced. The chapter's not even that long so we don't have that much of a ground to work on! No offense, but if there's anything you should take from this, Kirino, it's this: writing about your own fantasies where you're a godlike character is bound to put you in the category of "egotistical". In my opinion, analogues of yourself should be much more tuned to the universe you placed it in, and said universe needs to be something that, while under certain limits, is likeable, relatable or otherwise interesting in order for readers to truly get an understanding of it. Otherwise, the immersion doesn't work that well. I don't know how many of you are into stories like this, but I think I'll pass. This post has been edited by TouyaShiro on May 4 2013, 11:09 PM
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RB33 |
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Elder Magic Practitioner
Group: FORUM MODERATOR
Posts: 8,961
Member No.: 167
Joined: May 9th 2007
Location: Philippines
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QUOTE (Normalaatsra @ 2 hours, 41 minutes ago) | Oh dear, an embarrassment is enough, but on the Internet is a huge issue.
Ms. Kirino, make sure to take the critique's advice carefully. You can also look at other fanwork posted on this sub-forum. |
I doubt if kirino would bother to do that..
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RB33 |
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Elder Magic Practitioner
Group: FORUM MODERATOR
Posts: 8,961
Member No.: 167
Joined: May 9th 2007
Location: Philippines
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QUOTE (Antares @ 5 minutes, 34 seconds ago) | I bet Kirino's still busy looking for a cheat to SSS. |
Let him be. we all need free and guilt-free entertainment.
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